How being an hsp affects me and my life
Every HSP, Highly Sensitive Person, is uniqe, just like anyone else. No HS person is exactly the same. This is how my own HS traits affects my everyday life.
I might seem shy to you, if you met me, or just saw me in public. You might consider me as lazy and boring, as I enjoy solitude and quiet time, relaxing on the couch or just hanging out at home. In your everyday life and according to your priorities I might just be the lazy type. I might just enjoy and value other aspects in life. Rest, quiet, solitude, creativity, music, focus, recuperating, contemplating, philosophizing, wonder and entertainment. I might just need those things more than you. To regather myself, to recenter myself, to take care of myself, my sensitivity. I won't ever apologize for it. I won't change for anyone. I am, have always been and will always be true to myself, my feelings and my needs. I'm not saying that you don't share some of all of these priorities, I just know that not eveybody does. And some may not understand or appreciate it, or didn't once, till they discovered the truth of me. =)
Before I realized the HSP trait in me, got a name and a reason for it, I felt lost and that maybe there was something wrong with me. I felt like I'd lost controll of my life. The more "help" I got, from psychiatrists that didn't know better, I got worse. They call it OCD, obsessive-compulsive-disorder. They may be right, but the funny thing is,.. Once I found myself, my truth and my beliefs, they stopped. The need for controll over the things around me, it just stopped! Like turning off a switch. And I wasn't even trying for that, it just happenend. No psyciatric treatment, no drugs and I'm as calm and strong and confient as I've never been before. Not for many many years at least. I think we might have to turn back, say 25 years, and I'm thirty... ;-) I can't explain it, it just is. I still have bad days, like everyone else. Days that just didn't work out as I had planned, or where I've been tired and cranky, just like other people have. I am still human, I still have all of my humanity. ;-) I still have the full range of emotions, but some days, and there are more of these days than ever, I manage to focus on the good things, the good emotions. =)
As little I were a somewhat different hsp than I am today, although some of the traits are the same. I was open and trusting, happy and outgoing. I was affectionate and unhesitant. I was curios, and fearlessly exploring the world around me. I wanted to find out how everything worked together. I saw a lot that others didn't. I had a light and a personality that drew people to me and that almost enchanted them. I miss that ;) Pain was a big deal for me as little. I was very sensitive to pain, and I cried very easily. As an adult I've blocked that out to some extent. I have a high pain treshold now, but papercuts or any kind of injury to my hands and especially my fingers, can distract me quite a bit. I hate that. Tattoos have never been a problem (I've only got a few, but I always dream of and want more!). The dentist on the other hand... I hate that the most (not necessarily an hsp trait, but I still hate it, just as much). When it comes to tears and crying,.. I was easily brought to tears as little. I "shut that down" in my adolessence, after being bullied for a period of time, and being severely betrayed, let down and deeply hurt by people I loved and cared for. I shut down for many years. It became a part of my trait. Of course I could still cry, if I was really frustrated or depressed, but not easily brought to tears, at all. Until now. Now I find myself tearing up over the smallest things, beautiful or sad sights and events, funny things, happy or sad emotions, empathy and sympathy. The other day I felt like crying, so bad, because I picked up on somebody in the crowd looking sad and tearful. And I don't really know this person. I had to really get a grip on myself not to start crying in front of everybody. It was at a big event and would not have been appropriate at all! It was not even my sadness to cry over, it was his. It would not have been right to draw any kind of attention to me at that moment. Trust me. That's another thing. I seem to pick up on sad people in crowds, no matter where we are or who's there. If it is people I know, or not know at all. It might "steal" my attention from everything else. I get upset, sad and restless. And I get the urge to walk over and hug them, though I rarely do. I don't think that everyone would appreciate it, and also, I am quite "shy". If I am considering doing it, it takes me a lot of time to consider wether or not I should, or could, or if I even dare. I might think and feel that in many occasions. I used to be very open and affectionate towards people. I'm not anymore. I've become reserved and hesitant. I might want to, but not be able to. I am hesitat to let anyone close, both physical and emotional. The changes that happened with me, all happened at the same period in my life. And again, you don't have to be hsp to be affected like that, changing and becoming reserved and "shy" after being hurt real bad. Though being an hsp might get you more easily hurt, taken the fact than we might be more of an easy target for bullying, abuse and more easily been taken advantage of. We fall in love more often perhaps, and definitly we fall harder, seing as we feel deeper, being highly sensitive. We might care for others more profoundly. We are less careless and free to explore and therefor may seem squeamish, fearful or prudent. Even lazy, boring or judgmental. It is not about that. We just cannot help but look out for, and consider, risks. And then feel the urge to protect those we love from any real harm or consequence we can see that might follow their choice of path. And we have a hard time letting go. Letting go of people we care about. Even if they hurt us, time and time again.
I get easily overwhelmed by crowded places, lot of impressions, sounds and people. I have a hard time being in the same room, the same fasility as several others for a long period of time, especially at places that are unfamiliar to me. Parties at other peoples houses, with people I don't know, or hardly know, might wear me out. I get anxious and restless, even grumpy, irritable or agressive. All the impressions, new faces, new voices, new smells and all the different emotions and energies from the others makes my senses working intensly and unstopable. My senses takes in every little detail of the setting, the moods and personaleties. At big events, I tend to be standing on the "side line", observing and considering the situation, the moods and where I might find my place. I might seem shy, introvert or even look superior (I've been told). Perhaps a bit shy, or rather hesitant. But not at all introvert, and definitly not superior! But I have the understanding of why people might think so and that some actually do. I know differently, that's all that matters to me.
When I get overwhelmed, I get restless, and I might search out places to be alone and quiet for a while, if I have the opportunity. Or I might call the night short, head back home after a couple of hours. I might endure it longer if I know I have the opportunity to get away. If I know I can withdraw whenever I want. And when I do get home, I'll need some space and time. I don't always have that choice, being a mother. But after the kids are put to bed, or perhaps I withdraw to cutting the grass or something whilest my husband looks after the kids, I tune it all out with music, tv, writing or meditation. I would find my escape in the tv and tv-shows, anything would suffice, but now I've realized that tv is a bad alternative to quiet the mind. Yes, it would take my mind of the millions of thoughts spinning around in there, and I would relax for a moment, but as soon as I turned the tv off, all those thoughts and impressions would still be there, AND there would be several more from watching tv, as well. Bad idea. Music does quiet my thoughts a bit. I think I transfer my thoughts, feelings, moods and experiences into the music I listen to, like I am using music to help me process all the impressions and emotions. It seems to work, but it doesn't relax me much though. I still feel the emotions, ponder and analyze. I might even be wired up, even if it is a happy and energizing thing, it does not make me relaxed. I find that I rarely get to the point where I am done listening to music, that place where I want to turn the music off, feeling content and finished. I almost always want more time with my music, I want more music. I really love music. I have an entire world of my own when I'm with my music. It speaks to me, lifts me, collects me, speaks for me. I cannot imagine a life without music! Writing, I get all, or at least some, of my thoughts, impressions and emotions down on paper. Or rather down on screen... I can express it, share it or just save it for myself. I can leave some of it in my writings. I can get it out. I really enjoy writing! Always have. It calms me. I can write down all the things that are difficult to say out loud. I can write down all the things that are difficult to think about. I can silence the chaos of words and sentences sounding on repeat and in scramble in my head. It makes them stop swurling around and tormenting me. After writing it down, I feel quiet. I feel empty. I feel done. Not peaceful. Not serene. Just done. And then calm. It is a good feeling, but it can leave me kind of sad too, even depressed. Like I've gotten a void inside. So I'll need to fill it up with something nice. Familytime, smiles, hugs, kisses, music, reiki, serenity. Meditation works like nothing else, but I rarely have the quiet and the time alone to practice it. But when I do it quiets the mind completely, it fills me with visions instead. It helps me find my center. The calm and relaxed me that knows what matters and what doesn't. And most of the time, the worries and thoughts I've been having, doesn't count for much in the big picure and I can let them go. I can forgive if there is some things or ones who I need to forgive to let go. I have a silent conversation with myself, the higher energies and the universe. It is the most wonderful solitaire moments in life! Clearifying, purefying and relaxing. I come out of it feeling totally relaxed and content, confident and happy. It has helped me to forgive and forget.
The most predominant hsp trait I live with these days, is the sensitivity and openess to the spiritual aspect of life. Being an HSP, it should come as no surprise that I have turned to a spiritual alternative. It is quite common for hsps. I am sensitive to the energies surrounding us, being influenced by the energies and emotions of others. Being aware of subtleties, and the "hidden" truths in the world and all around me. This is what preoccupie my thoughts and interests, and has been for the last 6 months. Reiki, energies, spirits, enlightenment, awakening, truths of the world, intuition, emotions, inner voice, third eye... And as a "full-blodded" hsp, once I get interested in something, experiencing something new and is processing it, it will be the number one topic with me. I want to talk about it, share it and immerse myself in it. That is how I process it, and it takes time for an hsp to process big topics with a lot of new ideas and information. For those around me, bear with me, I will "get over it" eventually, as I get used to and settle into all these new aspects of my life. That is, I will eventually be able to keep the enthusiasm to myself, to a much greater extent... ;-) I don't think I'll give up on this aspect of my life, ever, being as it is a huge part of who I am! And I love that it is! I am indescribably grateful for it! It nourishes my soul in a way that nothing else can. It boosts the light and love inside me. It strenghtens me. It clears my head. I value my sensitivity! I feel fortunate that I have this trait. Elaine Aron said something in her book that I enjoyed, that is that the HSP don't feel pride or superior because of the advantages of our trait. Even if he/she did, it would last for five minutes, tops, and then he or she would feel guilty about it. ;-) That is SO true! ;-)
I am sure there are a lot more of my HSP that plays into my everyday life, but I think I'll round it up here, for now. ;) I don't want to exhaust you completely. I think that some HSPs might recognise some of what I wrote here, but remember that every HSP is different, just like all people are. Enjoy! =)
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